@Eightinchgoat: When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
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@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
@TheUnderfold: Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn't hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG -me watching a toddler put shoes on
@Scdavis24: Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.