Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together