@Eightinchgoat: When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
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@YimsterFife: I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
@IamEnidColeslaw: at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
@crushingbort: Ben Carson's book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip
@Fyrekrakr73: Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"