@Brianhopecomedy: When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, "Sarah Connor?".
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@nikkithecanuck: I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.
@imdaintyaf: What's the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I'm asking for me.
@TheWoodenslurpy: I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
@AIMMadellynne: The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was: Are U serious?