@Brianhopecomedy: When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, "Sarah Connor?".
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@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
@crunchenhancer: What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
@DirtMcTurd: My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday
@tastefactory: "It's gonna taste really good." - excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You're Expecting Pizza