When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
my dad has had enough
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.