When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
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[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.