power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
me: my friends:
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing