When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I have so many questions.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché