When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
You Might Also Like
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames