@CherylCheryl94: When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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@pixelatedboat: You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
@causticbob: I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures. But unfortunately I'm now banned until I bring them back.
@jergarl: Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot.
@ericsshadow: [me telling a joke] guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand. ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.