When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.