When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.