[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
i meant to share this earlier
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.