When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I have no passwords left in me
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.