there’s probably a fee though
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
#CatsOnTwitter
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
we did it you guys we saved daylight