orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
saw this in a dream
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year