@FattMernandez: When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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@hipstermermaid: I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
@Harbinger_one: Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don't catch slurpees.
@joeljeffrey: [buying treadmill] Me: Can I try it out first? Salesperson: Sure Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.