When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
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Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2