My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure