When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
You Might Also Like
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
BETRAYAL
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Only short people can save us