When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…