My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
technically true but not a great slogan
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates