Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.