when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
this could fix me
everyone has that one prude friend
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.