When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Ha
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Stop.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy