When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
A short story of betrayal:
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that