Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me :
All Day At Night
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
stop
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”