Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*