@bourgeoisalien: when I hit 45 I'm going to start sleeping in a coffin. let's be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable
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@ruinedpicnic: Joe: $400? For ONE night? Innkeeper: It's the honeymoon suite. [outside] Joe: No rooms. Mary: None? Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?
@SomthinBoutSara: I'm gonna pretend my dad didn't abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he'll be back
@koalaslament: I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth