When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.