Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”