When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..