@joeljeffrey: When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
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@iwearaonesie: *SNAP* *wife screams* *walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* "why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"
@Andee_Stewart: Based on the amount of tools I've dated, you'd think I got a deal at The Home Depot
@Mr_Bucky: My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades. But never locks her basement window.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.