When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
#CoronaOutbreak
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
the official breakfast of 2021
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody