When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.