Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
cat vs inanimate object
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Woke up against my better judgment again
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.