@ilovepie84: When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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@Rollinintheseat: *Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples* Baker: "When is your wedding?" Me: *with mouthful of cake* "What wedding?"
@platinum2000: If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does...
@iwearaonesie: wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing
@sofarrsogud: *maintains eye contact while checking 'Dating Librarians For Dummies' out from the library.