@ilovepie84: When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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@chelliet22: Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor's yard, and omg, that's Mrs. Hood's body he's putting into their fire pit!
@TheToddWilliams: [principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.
@UncleDuke1969: I've got 99 problems... <snap> 98 problems. <snap> 97 problems. <snap> 96 problems. <snap> BRB... I need to buy more mousetraps.