@ilovepie84: When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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@richforri: I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won't talk to me on the phone for a week.
@Reverend_Scott: Noah: An ark? Full of animals?? God: ... Noah: You even listening?? God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
@JermHimselfish: I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.