When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)