I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.