When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
who wants to go expliring
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.