When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.