me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti