@jackmackenroth: When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say "RIP" because I don't wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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@bibbymoynihan: If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I'm with family or a girl.
@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
@JohnHilsen: The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he'd get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.