When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.