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@954LeenO: When I said 'You can't buy my love.'
I meant with your salary.
@qwertying: Husband: How about a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
@FatherWithTwins: Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn't get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
@iamdevloper: Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
@InternetHippo: If Trump is so bad why does he visit a homeless shelter every day? [someone whispers in my ear] I am now being told it’s to taunt them
@caribbeankris: I've kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it's like to raise an "ungrateful little prick"