When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest