When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
The pen is writier than the sword.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?