When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
You Might Also Like
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”