@VaguelyFunnyDan: When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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@robotrowboat: [death row] Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests? Pardon me? I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
@RobertDuffy91: I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you'll find a dead body
@ElgatoEsmio: We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
@DumbConfessions: Her:"Let's make a baby." Him: "Okay! Hold on." *goes to bathroom* [5 minutes later.] Her: "Where'd you go?" Him: "You meant with you??"