@vikkaroni: When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn't mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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@thatcarlygirl: Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
@tchrquotes: Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
@leechee420: Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
@jonnysun: DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil