When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I believe the plural is “milves.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.