@vikkaroni: When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn't mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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@jimmytorosian: [Soldiers regrouping] Where's Jim? He went M.I.A. *Cut to Jim* ♫ All I wanna do *bang bang bang bang* *reloading noise* And shoot enemies ♫
@realHamOnWry: These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It's a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.
@daemonic3: [cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store] Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs