@vikkaroni: When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn't mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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@Jandalize: Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz "we don't have time to get arrested" if you're looking for a parenting role model.