When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork