@puffin7911: When I say to my kids "sit here and watch cartoons" they hear "come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy."
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I could care less! Me: How much less could you care? Coworker: I don't get it. Me: I noticed.
@ValeeGrrl: After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
@DryDickRando: Hello sir. Your toddler called me a 'stinky poopyhead' at the store. I've spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I'd like to own him now.