If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things