Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
my astrological sign is a french fry
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.