When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*