When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
This raises questions
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar