When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
huge valentines day plans this year!!
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease