When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
You Might Also Like
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.