@bridger_w: When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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@JimmerThatisAll: I don't know why these Jehovah's Witnesses won't give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily
@jackmackenroth: It's saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.