When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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this has to be peak English
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
dude it’s called proctologist
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.