@Truculent67: Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

@causticbob: My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral tomorrow. He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

@B_poling82: Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we're going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.

@weismanjake: "Um, thanks?" -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting

@unibrowbeater: "It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." "Ok, got it doo-shah."