When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”