@dmc1138: When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must've been for that guy.
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@Truculent67: Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
@causticbob: My boss is coming to my grandad's funeral tomorrow. He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
@B_poling82: Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we're going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.