@yassinovic89: Mom: you failed your english test, didn't you? Me: who telled you?

@findmydolls: In September a 127 yr old woman passed away, which we already KNOW is a lie bc the earth isn't even 127 yrs old. Don't be ignorant.

@RyanSaysWords: The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven't had to deal with any Foo in years.

@calluptome: Everyone complains about the weather but noone's sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

@DanMentos: [first date] *pointing indiscriminately* "uh-oh looks like we're on the Kiss Cam" there's no- *leans in* there's no Kiss Cam at Applebees