All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”