Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Only Americans understand
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face